"You know that look fearful as a child who has just confessed to a naughty? You take it off the face kicking. "
The silence that filled the house after the whispered sentence but Rift Brian resounded in his ears to Justin.
Brian had been silent throughout the film, had not said a word. It was limited to stare into his eyes, sitting on the couch where Justin had accompanied him by the hand. His silence, the lack of response, had created anxiety in the young growing throughout the film.
Once concluded there was a long moment of silence, which had seemed eternal, and then Brian had spat out the sentence. Without taking his eyes from his, with flatly that all had the final ruling.
The boy sighed on the verge of tears that was imposed to keep: it was not a child and, above all, a request would have seemed pitiful to which Brian would reverse all its fury.
The man looked at him for a moment then got up and walked to the bathroom.
"Brian ..?"
"Tell me."
"Where are you going?" Asked the astonished young man, still sitting on the couch.
Man shrugged his shoulders: "In the bathroom and then to bed. O'clock in the morning does not seem so strange as a choice. "
Justin unarmed observers sewing the leather cushion thrown on the floor.
"Brian, we need to talk."
He saw his back stiffen and tense of the companion as a bow. Prepared mentally for the shield of the arrow that would body in the heart.
"Talking" asked Brian staying calm. Terribly and eerily quiet. He went down three steps back and stopped in the middle of the room with your arms at your sides. In a pose reminiscent of a rag doll devoid of any support. "You've already done all Justin. What you want to talk now? Do not you think that perhaps it was appropriate to speak first? "
Justin sighed and shook his head:" I can close this ... "
not could even think about the idea of feeling terrible, defeated and angry that Brian tried to time and the fact that they would not be debated. The lack of comparison has always made him vulnerable. He could face anyone, especially Brian and his tantrums, but he could not handle the silence that accused him incessantly. Why the silence you can hear the voice of the accuser's largest, the most terrible, the less manageable: yourself.
"can not close it because you have decided that can not close it," asked Brian challenge - "What did you need me to tell you? What is okay? What are quiet? That tomorrow I go? "
" No, I just want to explain ... "
" It's ALL FUCKED EXPLAINED THAT EVENING! MORE AND MORE EXPLAINED me want to take the slap, SO PLEASE MAKE A: LET ME GO TO SLEEP! "
The scream was loud as the thunder of a lightning bolt had crashed directly into the house. Justin could almost hear the windows shake, as the veins were shaking in meat.
"Do not scream, there are children in the" only managed to whisper and Brian let out a hearty laugh: "Children? Interested children now? "He asked getting closer and closer to his companion and hiss the accusation before the nose.
Justin looked at him incredulously, "What does this mean?" He asked trying to get up from the ground but without the security that his legs would have cancer.
Brian shrugged his shoulders showing off the most successful its wicked giggles: "You nearly fucked up the life of my daughter and now you worry that you might wake up?"
Justin's mouth opened in a ' oh 'of stunned amazement but no sound was able to vibrate the vocal cords.
Brian turned to go: as far as he was concerned the discussion ended there.
"I have not told Scarlett that she was his mother!" He appealed desperately Justin's vision that Brian had received an unexpected visit to Luise.
Brian laughed her back to him: "If I did not now you would have more of a companion and a daughter, I assure you," ruled with a firm that everything was definite.
"Then why do you say that I almost fucked up my life?"
Brian just laughed again and ears to Justin perceived as the laughter the sound of chalk on a blackboard; joined him in a stride and grabbed his arm: "Listen ..."
But Brian struggled so so angry that Justin was thrown back and it was only thanks to the column that he found on his reeling backward path that did not fall to the ground.
Again, the oppressive silence of a few moments before. Just ripped each other's breathing heavy. Justin's eyes grew moist and Brian clenched his jaw until you feel pain for not being able to hit him really.
"It can not Brian had understood nothing, believe me, I told you in detail the meeting, there is no danger for Scarlett! "Justin begged really believing and hoping to be able to make that clear also to Brian.
And Brian knew. Not that there were dangers, but Justin, as often happened, we really believed. He narrowed his eyes and sighed, sitting exhausted on the steps leading to the sleeping quarters and holding his head in his hands.
Justin expectations. He knew that a simple 'A' would have caused a disaster. Brian had to wait times, give time to contain the raging thoughts with that simple act of shaking his head and finally start talking.
After a few moments Brian got a look about him that was a mixture of anger and fatigue. A look so sad and defeated Justin wanted to cry for him and for him alone.
"How many times have we talked about the future of Scarlett," he asked without waiting for an answer really - "How often have, together or on our own, we spent sleepless nights thinking about the day when we ask why she does not have a mother? A haunt of when, physiologically, feel the overwhelming desire of the figure that all fairy tales, poems, advertisements, social conventions is said to be the most important person in the world and she will never have? And what do you do? "He asked in a bitter smile and disarming," I offered her a mom on a silver platter and then carried it off. "
Justin tried frantically to the words in a brain drained by the claims of Brian. Nothing that was opposing the companion was expected.
course had expected anger, rage, feeling excluded once again, but not this.
"He can not know that his mother is" opposed once again. He was sure, he was sure he had not leaked anything. It was the first thing he had thought. Because Brian did not believe him?
"Now he can not know Justin. But you're so sure that one day, when they see the photos that we had to when he grows up, something in his brain brings to mind the fucking afternoon of the first year in which the woman has had before his eyes? Why no one said it was his mother? Why are they denied to call a person 'Mom' at least once in your life? "
For every word of Brian, Justin sank deeper into mire of unbelief:" It can not ; remember Brian, is too small ... "
" You can not know a fuck about what and what to remember no! "Brian's voice rose again:" You tend to see a person who is dying, and that alone is enough, you put in front of a woman who bore her, but rejected it and also you need to argue this, have you done to impress in the memories of a person's face that she will try for a lifetime, even after death because it will no longer be a phantom profile uncertain that 'mom' that fail, but will have specific traits and features. And if you do it? " churches getting pushed by the fury that was refitted to advance it toward his companion in spite of trying every way to help himself. "You did it for her, perhaps? In an absurd as perverse desire to give her something? "A new incredulous laugh escaped his lips -" No! You did it for Luise! Luis ... "he repeated again but in a venomous hiss -" Once again Luis! "
Justin's chin trembled, and the boy was unable to block it. His whole body was shaking. Why suddenly allegations of Brian seemed so ... right!
The man shrugged his shoulders: "You know, if you had done for Scarlett, I opened the head of your cock blonde finally understand how to reason, but ironically I would have understood more. But you have not done for her. Have you used my daughter to do your good deed, to stop having nightmares at night, get right with a consciousness that haunts you for five years. So in hindsight, you did not even for Luise. It is for yourself that you did. For your stupid, childish, arrogant self-interest. Have you used my daughter Luise and also to start to sleep at night. "
" It is also my daughter, "cried Justin in the one sentence that had appeared to the brain. A brain implode he felt as if someone had really opened up my head and crushing them with bare hands.
Brian nodded, "And maybe this is just a misfortune."
Justin realized he had dropped the slap just for the intense burning that felt in the hand.
He felt the breath of Brian and his stop, mate in the stillness of their bodies.
had arrived.
After years in which they were always able to stop the edge, the time had come when the footing he had slid into a point of no return where they would be crashed.
Brian did not respond except for his eyes lowered to the floor, in a consideration, Justin was convinced, exactly equal to his.
"You can not really think so," sentenced the young man with such a burden of sadness and horror in his voice that he would prefer to die at that exact moment rather than face such a belief on the part of companion.
Brian's eyes clouded by tears blur that you do not even remember how you did more crying. He inhaled and closed his eyes bowing the neck back.
"No," said then reopen it and fix those off of Justin - "I do not really think."
She had never thought of and did not think now. Because if he had come only the slightest doubt, as previously threatened, neither he nor Scarlett would have been more there.
Justin exhaled a shaky breath and wiped a furtive tear.
Brian put his hand on her neck and began to massaggiarselo to soothe the muscles contract and the storm that was taken down inside his skull and went to light a cigarette.
"You know," murmured from the kitchen counter, without looking at him - "Scarlett is my life, I love her more than he loves anyone else. But there are times when ... "
Justin closed his eyes appealing to a God in whom he did not believe that Brian did not say. Did not say what the premise would have yelled that.
"... when I think I had better not be born, or rather, that we had not taken us. That something had intervened to prevent us from adopting it. Too much mess, too many decisions to be her in our fight, too many mistakes, too much selfishness ... "
Justin heard the roar of the floor that would spring open under the feet swallowing her whole being, leaving only the empty shell of his mortal body. But nothing was left of him but a sarcophagus of flesh and blood.
Brian stared at him back, his elbow on the table, the hand to hold my head's too heavy.
And Justin finally realized. It felt a kind of understanding worth overwhelming for Brian. A feeling similar to what only a parent can try, or a person whose love goes beyond any territory explored by the human mind.
He was not the only one to have anxieties about Scarlett was not the only one smashing the brain about what would happen in the future, as they would have faced. Brian was with him. In the grip of fear of making a mistake. Never mind though, has always boasted indifference and logical solutions.
know him from a life now, had always been so, may once again if he had not realized? He was terrified of doing something, anything that would have ordered the destruction of their children's lives.
And the terror of Brian was ten or twenty times higher than that of Justin. Because Brian had felt on his skin the meaning of the mistakes of their parents. And perhaps he had sworn to himself that his children would never suffer for his carelessness, indifference, wrong.
And that terror was now speaking, which made him hope to have a second occasion on which Scarlett was not his daughter.
He had told the court many years ago? 'real parents, for the sake of the children, are willing to give up their' . It was this thought that now? For the love she felt for Scarlett desired time has never been his father. Thereby nullifying all that good, extraordinary, he, Brian, had given and was giving that little girl.
And he understood the anger of Brian hours had nothing to do with him, but with all his fears che si erano presentate a richiedere un improvviso conto da sempre posticipato.
Fu questo a dargli la forza di non cedere, di non mollare e di dirigersi verso il compagno.
Gli poggiò con delicatezza la mano a stringere leggermente una spalla, con un gesto lento, come avrebbe fatto con una tigre ferita.
Quando non percepì alcuna opposizione da parte dell’uomo fece salire la mano alla sua testa e gli carezzò i capelli. “Brian…” sussurrò ingoiando il nodo che gli soffocava the throat.
The man did not move, did not answer. "Brian, listen to me please," pleaded but firm tone, adult. So strong and confident that the man turned to observe it.
Justin shook his head: "Regardless of the shit ... no doubt I did, try to realize that in reality nothing has happened to malfunction. You're projecting anxieties that I understand, but at the moment are not real. "
We waited for an ironic chuckle that instead of the companion stood staring at him. She licked her lips: "You are so anxious because you know that Scarlett has seen the woman who gave birth to her, but she does not know. You're thinking with your fears daughters of an awareness that you have, but she did not. I swear I'm not saying for pararmi your ass! "It was true.
The only thing I wanted to Justin now was to abandon Brian anguish. At any cost. Then he could stay angry with him for a lifetime, if that was what had to happen. But he had save Brian from the abyss that even in his mind, yet so strong, we were open.
"It is said that if we remember and fear that it might happen, then we'll see the photos. When we talk about the Luise say exactly what we wanted to tell her long ago. We will not tell who has seen it and we will not see the picture. "
Brian nodded:" The minds then? "
Justin shrugged:" We do not do nearly every day? Santa Claus, you who were loved by your father, the grandmother who lives in another country, that you do not Linds only upset Gus go to the games, which you just to have it accepted at a college you pretended to be the husband of Linds? These are lies? "
Brian sighed and looked down his nose.
"The truth at any cost is not true that it is always best. To protect our children sometimes are the secrets, "said the boy stroking the cheek of the fellow -" and those who think it is more easy, well, or not have children, or do not love them enough. Because only a parent who loves his son is ready to support the weight of a secret just to protect it. We decided one day to tell her that Luis had decided for his own good not to recognize it and trust us. Is not this a lie? But with the heart that you can tell your son that his mother looked at it and said 'I do not want ' . We will know the truth and to support the weight of the secret truth. Scarlett is not for support. What happened today will not change anything, if it is left unsaid. "
Brian sighed and closed his eyes and Justin felt his muscles relax. He felt a sense of relief so great that he cried with happiness.
"You should have said," Brian ruled rising from the table and going to the chaise longue, where he threw himself staring at a point in space, his hand rubbing his chin.
"I told you why I did not. I did not want to upset the presence of Luise, which meant nothing. "
Brian laughed ironic but Justin did not give trouble. It was back to him and that was what Justin wanted.
"I saw how it meant nothing!"
The boy inhaled deeply and shook his head: "Did not I kept quiet design what I did today. If so I would go to her as soon as I knew, almost a month ago. I told you, since I knew I started to think and think and dream and now the instinct guided me and ... "he paused.
It had been explained, but not stopped for that reason. He stopped because the more he tried to explain her action, the more he lost all meaning for him. "I'm sorry. I should tell you yes, and give you play. You would have prevented me to go and ... "
" I what? "Brian asked suddenly attentive to sudden sitting down directing with his back.
Justin looked surprised and shook his head.
"Tell me one time when I stopped to do something. Above all, tell me once that while trying to do it, you have not done the same. "
Justin bit the inside of his lip, looking down.
"But here is the problem Plums, right? I do not try to stop you from doing what you think is right because I do not care. This is what I think. "
"No," said Justin decided.
"That's what you always thought of me, always," Brian shrugged, tossing his head side - "I do not believe that you had abstained in the years to put the aware of all the shit that you have done nothing for fear of my reaction. It's just that I thought I'd be screwed, or worse, that I would not have understood. Because you're sensitive to that and I cynical. "
" Brian ... "tried Justin, but the levees were broken.
"How many times have I tried to talk to you bumping against your ideals and sense of right? When you embark on the pink posse of bullshit I had to do? Bind you in the house? I only hoped you were smart enough to understand the disaster that only he would do. But this does not mean that I was talking to Daphne, with Michael and ... "Brian laughed at himself and shook his head -" Even with Ben. Yes, even with Ben I tried to understand, to understand, to achieve what was so important for you. But you you're not trusted never me. Did you go straight on your way, and the same thing you did with Luise, and beginning today. "
Justin let down on the cushions on the floor, overwhelmed by the sentence that had the sound of truth. Perhaps he was right Brian? Did not give him credit, he was convinced would not understand.
years urged him to talk, to open up, but in the end it was he who was closing.
He rubbed his forehead puffing of himself: "In many ways you're right, but not this time. Luise not was a problem, why do not I told you, "Brian looked into his eyes to make sure that this time because he believed was the truth.
The man did not answer and Justin continued, "And you're right that I should speak up. In the end I would have done, true, but I would have gone without Scarlett, I'd only talked to her and maybe I would have showed a picture. "
Here!
The rational solution is the parade had in mind in all its simplicity. Sense and Sensibility would find a just agreement.
Brian, his nose suddenly giggled: "I would have done, of course. But you asked if she wanted you to do? "
" What? "
Brian got up from the chaise long to unwind after walking through the loft-eyed Justin's question.
"I think I made this huge act of human compassion, pity, I did the 'good'. But what is good for you does not mean that it is for you Justin, that's what you do not understand at this point and I doubt that'll never understand. "
" It was glad to see you! It was moved, excited. He saw that not everything she did in life is to be thrown in the toilet! "The boy pleaded with emphasis -" I think everyone, beyond the errors committed, should be given a chance "
Brian raised his eyes to the ceiling, his hands fastened to the sides: "It is obvious that Justin was moved and excited," he said in a tired whisper. He seemed to talk to Gus and Scarlett when they persisted in not wanting to understand the stubbornness of children. "She has betrayed you and you in an extreme act of piety have swallowed the pride and have brought on a silver platter redemption. But are you sure this is a good thing? "
Justin stared at him in silence and Brian shrugged his shoulders:" What if you had put in front of the biggest regret of his life ? If I had it shown how you could be there for her in life and how much has thrown in the toilet and now submerged by a sense of guilt and worthlessness are killed, for example, "he asked with sly as he had just sentenced a landscape horribly tragic.
Justin could not even swallow.
"For me it would be the best thing that could happen," cynical specific lighting up another cigarette - "but for you?" Churches with fiery eyes turned to look at: "For you, then what would it be?"
Justin's chin trembled, the brain incapable of providing even the slightest opposition.
Brian chuckled again, "You do 'good', but what is good, Justin? An absolute value? You know that if a starving child from a plate of pasta and a cup of hot chocolate to make your stomach explode? "
" Do not be absurd comparisons "were keen the boy still sitting on the pillows.
"Is it really so absurd? Do good when you are not required. You did what you , in your mind, you thought was the right thing. Why did you have a dream. Because for you, Justin, is impossible to think that someone could give birth to Scarlett, Scarlett and your caring really. You have projected on them your feelings but it is said that they were his. You you've set your 'good', your conscience is clear and now Scarlett O'Hara, in your dreams die in peace. But it was your dream, not of Luise. "
" I do not think you're right ... "muttered Justin while security ostentatious previously took the same ability to stand like a castle card.
Brian looked at him as the same section and nodded: "So Luise is alive, and apparently still frequents the Pittsburgh area. Perfect. He saw Scarlett and remained 'surprise'. This does not tell you anything? "
Justin got a sad look on the fellow that sat up in front of him. He just swallow.
"You know what to say to me? That was a little surprised if in five years means that you have never placed the question of where she was his daughter or the same as you. "
" She could not know where he was and then ... "
"Enough," cried Brian crouching in front of him and make the face in his hands. But it was an affectionate gesture, it seemed that would make him shoot out of the brain, perhaps to decode once and for all the tortuous paths that had impressed - "He could not know, but he could imagine, or hope ..." whispered ; lethal on his face: "If interested, if it had been seized from a minimum of curiosity would have been enough to pass by the house every now and then, without being seen. Not to mention the fact that I know that five years ago, for six months, the city was plastered with posters bearing a picture of you and Scarlett and the caption 'Justin Taylor and daughter'! " He snorted a cynical chuckle nose, shaking his head: "I wonder how many times you will be bored in one of those." He left Justin's face and shrugged his shoulders to make clear: "Maybe if instead of having the upturned nose perpetually to his arm, he had raised would know. But it was 'surprise' ... "ridiculed with a smile that Justin would have gladly taken to slap the face -" It was a surprise because you yourself or Scarlett never give a shit about anything ! And you know you do not accept this, but now that you begin to do so. For the good of your own, and especially that of your daughter. "
Justin inspired trembling nose and looked down with nothing to oppose. It was true, Brian was right. He projected his feelings and ideals about Luise. Luise But it was not him, it was not ever.
But Justin, every time he watched his daughter sleep or laugh or play taken from his fantasy world, when he saw how beautiful she was, sweet, when he felt the burden of love she felt for her, wondered how could a mother, although she had given birth, really give a damn. It was not possible. Somewhere in his heart he had to be an empty space so as to make them feel the cold void that was created?
Maybe Brian was right. In what we define 'cynicism' and he 'realism' he saw with clear eyes, free from absurd ideals and crusades in the name of good and right, what is the human reality.
ethers hate gays, whites hate blacks, Muslims hate the Catholics, Westerners hate the Arabs, kill men, mothers abandon.
A Justinlandia not happen.
But in the real world.
let out a sad sigh and shaking the fruit of the boy who was still in him. The guy who thought it would change the world, who thought like him all right in the name of a good thing, actually, ever thought, that he thought the boy would not grow anything, that would not die, never, never should have opened eyes and see the reality looks like an adult.
realistic, not cynical.
He got to meet Brian. He wanted a hug, not a pardon, just a hug because he suddenly felt so alone, unarmed ...
Brian looked at him closer, but when it was a few feet away from him, he spoke gelandolo on site: & ldquo and if in this burst of emotion, and awareness you have created in her, that she is dying, he could not keep it all inside and more fragile as only a person who is dying at age 23 can be collapsed and tell everything to his mother? If finally tell the story that the ever told? That of a love, a black hole of despair he thought to fill with drugs and ... a daughter? "
Justin felt the heart and arteries stiffen, as if the IceTina had injected an IV ice.
"Here you think," asked Brian staring at him.
There was no answer, only a rapt with fear.
nodded, "Now you really have something to not sleep at night," ruled first to turn around, go to the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
Justin in the middle of the room stood still, petrified with fear, without a handle, without a helping hand to save him. He felt as if the world had suddenly stopped spinning and all around him were dead.
Gus, blinked several times and closed her mouth, involuntarily, had opened as soon as he heard his father shouting: 'explains more than I growing desire to get a slap '. Had risen to drink, 'for that unexpected had ice cream last step, where he had crouched down out of sight.
In silence, experiencing a feeling of anxiety that never in her young life had caught him before he got up and slowly returned to his room.
'Zombie' - The Cranberries
SECOND TIME
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